Random Shots: In the Year of the Perot

R.F. Kampfer

ROSS PEROT’S MAIN advantage is the perception that he’s too rich to steal.

Because the Japanese work load leaves so little time for family life, the emotionally deprived can now hire surrogates to fill their needs. The Japan Effectiveness Headquarters provides retirees with professional grandchildren, at $1130 plus costs for a three-hour visit. One can also hire recent actors to impersonate servants, business subordinates or lovers. Recently there have been requests for surrogate grandparents to provide soup and sympathy to lonely youngsters.

Worst thing about working the 6 am shift: The kids get to stay up later than you, and there’s plenty of time when you get home to cook dinner and do housework.

Shamu, how could you: Some California whale watchers saw more of nature than they bargained for when a Grey whale and her calf were attacked and devoured by Orcas.

Urban Blues

IN AN EFFORT to make the best of the flood, Chicago is billing itself as “The Venice of the Midwest.”

The L.A. rebellion would have done better to go after the banks instead of the party stores.

Defenders of the LAPD claim the cops who beat Rodney King were terrified of the “unstoppable monster.” In fact, had they thought he could do them any damage at all, they would not have hesitated to shoot him dead.

Sexual Politics (censored)

SOMEDAY, GAY historians may write the saga of the USS Chicago, known to the pre-World War II navy as the Sodom of the Sea.

During World War II the troops of one isolated island garrison got themselves transferred back to the United States when they all started hanging male pinups on their walls.

Feminists have criticized Catherine Tramell (Basic Instinct) as a poor role model for bisexual women. In reality the character is as asexual as Hannibal Lecter. For her, sex with men or women is just a means to play the game she really enjoys, which is fucking with people’s minds.

Bumper Sticker Department

LAWYERS EAT Their Young.

When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws.

Notes From History

HOLLYWOOD IS STILL recycling. The plot to the hit movie “Shattered was lifted from the EC comic book story “Only Skin Deep,” Shock Suspensestories #13, March 1954.

Most critics of Leninism, who contend that more political democracy should have been practiced after the October Revolution, seem to assume that the Bolsheviks would have been allowed to function as a loyal opposition if voted out of office. In fact they would probably have all been shot, which puts a slightly different spin on the situation.

The early Christians were probably very much like the Moonies of today, which makes it perfectly understandable that they were thrown to the lions.

The UAW leadership is looking to replace its traditional anthem, “Solidarity Forever.” They would do better to recall some of the original verses: “Is there aught we hold in common with the greedy parasite?”

Bush’s biggest blunder was his proclamation of the New World Order. The fundamentalists suspect him of setting himself up as a New Age antichrist, and everyone else thinks he’s just babbling.

Nothing Sacred Dept: Solidarity has announced that a new Trotsky badge will soon be issued. The membership is being polled to see if they prefer Leon Davidovich portrayed as Red Army commander or aging exile.

July-August 1992, ATC 39