Random Shots: Ring in the New

R.F. Kampfer

THIS YEAR MARKS the twentieth anniversary of the Woodstock Nation. It is doubtful that we will see its like again. The younger generation hasn’t produced any music worth sleeping out in the rain for; and mine has reached the age of worrying about rheumatism.

The problem with the 1988 election was that Dukakis was running for the school board while Bush was running for sheriff.

The 1968 elections offered the choice between a fake progressive and a real reactionary.

Heroes of History

THE GREAT WHALE Rescue will probably be made into a movie. Finally something suitable for Marlon Brando.

Now that Charles Addams is dead, there is no reason for The New Yorker to keep publishlng.

The late Edgar Bergen would have made an ideal candidate. . Just try to read his lips. Actually, somebody who could sell the idea of a radio ventriloquist could probably get elected.

As The Shadow might have said, “The Reagan-Bush bears bitter fruit.”

Let’s see if Bush’s opposition to springing criminals applies to Oliver North. Looking back at “The Return of the Secaucus Seven,” it’s very hard to sympathize with a group of people who are freaked out by the prospect of turning thirty.

A book-embosser is a useful device for reminding your friends to return what they borrow. Then, if they still forget, you can stick their fingers into the press.

Bush and Quayludes

FOR HIS sixtieth birthday, Mickey Mouse got a Dan Quayle watch.

The Secret Service allegedly has an order that, if anything happens to Bush, they are to shoot Quayle at once.

The Navy aircraft carrier U.S.S. Enterprise has been seized by the Customs Service after a Seaman 2/c was found in possession of one-half ounce of Columbian sinsemilla. The 76,000 ton nuclear-powered vessel will be auctioned off in the near future.

Gems of Common Knowledge

IT IS COMMON knowledge that Thomas Jefferson had a long-running affair with a slave-woman in his household. What is not generally known is that she was his wife’s half-sister.

The U.S. is refusing to recognize the Palestinian declaration of independence on the excuse that it was a unilateral decision rather than a mutual agreement between the Palestinians and the Israeli government. Like that earlier mutual agreement between the Thirteen Colonies and George III.

The irrational aspect of human behavior is shown by the recognition that Israel would rather give up the West Bank and the Gaza Strip than East Jerusalem.

The Geraldo Rivera show on Satanism failed to consider the possibility that it might be a direct response to the rise of Christian fundamentalism. The only people who believe in demons are theones who believe in gods.

January-February 1989, ATC 18