Random Shots: Life Imitates Art

R.F. Kampfer

IN THE MOVIE version of “The Sum of all Fears,” the terrorist nuke is hidden in a cigarette vending machine. In real life, if placed in an underground parking garage, it would have been ripped off in about twenty minutes.

“The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys” is not about what you think.

In “Lolita,” Humbert reflects: “I should probably have joined the priesthood.” We can guess how much good that would have done.

Things to Chew On

DAVID’S SUNFLOWER SEEDS (that’s a brand name, if you’re wondering) tell us: “Eat-Spit-Be Happy.” Sounds like a good policy for life in general.

Would Colleen Rowley have had the courage to confront the FBI bureaucracy without the inspiration of the example set by Clarice Starling?

How come Falwell isn’t blaming the Texas floods on the sins of the Bush dynasty?

Remember those necklaces we used to make out of beer-can tabs back in college? They now sell replicas in gold and silver. Not only more expensive, but you don’t get to drink the beer.

The state of the economy can be determined by the sales figures for macaroni-and-cheese dinners. When times get tough, we reach for the Kraft.

Summing It Up

THE OLD ADDING machines may have been bulky and slow, but at least they didn’t disappear, like pocket calculators.

Detroit will never be a first class city as long as it saves money by having its July 4 fireworks display in June.

Between them, Sharon and Bush have guaranteed Arafat’s re-election.

There’s a lot of things one could say about Dubya’s colonoscopy, but that would be like fishing with hand grenades.

The Thanks We Get

KAMPFER HAS SPENT years establishing an ecologically balanced pond in the back yard. Once the tadpoles matured, they promptly moved to the pool next door, which is stagnant and full of dead leaves. There is no gratitude in nature.

ATC 100, September-October 2002