Random Shots: Kampfer’s Consumer Guide

R.F. Kampfer

BRITISH AUTHORITIES ARE worried about the growth of psychedelic Psilocybin mushrooms on the Shetland Islands off Scotland. Apparently the local sheep have been eating them and tripping out Given normal sheep behavior, one wonders how they could tell if they were stoned or not In any case, once the word gets around, the influx of tourists should make up for any loss of mutton.

The Medellin cartel’s declaration of war against the government of Colombia indicates that management may have been dipping into the product a little too heavily.

Children’s first books can have lasting effects on their development Kampfer first read “Horton Hatches the Egg” back in 1946, and is still a stone fanatic about meaning what he said and saying what he meant.

If Jim Bakker was as pious as he pretends he would have hired an exorcist instead of a lawyer.

In a misguided attempt to reach the carnophobes, the American Beef Council advertises that a three-ounce portion of beef “contains only 200 calories and Was just fifteen minutes to cook” Any real fleischfresser would demand fifteen ounces cooked for three minutes, and the calories be damned.

Kudos to Hilary Forth for coming up with the perfect description of microwave frozen dinners: Nuke and Puke.

The British distributors of the Indiana Jones films have angered the RSPCA by sending out live snakes in their promotion packets. This may be the same outfit that proposed to distribute 2,000 live rats, left over from a Grade-Z horror film, at the movie’s premier. One film critic observed that, for most of the audience, this would just save a trip to the refreshment counter.

Bette Midler’s first movie, “The Divine Mr. j,” is finally out on video tape, retitled “The Thorn.” In this lost classic, she portrays the Virgin Mary. Check it out, just to torture Don Wildmon.

Parents in several states are furious over the sale of a pistol-shaped plastic fruit drink dispenser called the Chilly Bang-Bang. To get a drink, the child places the barrel in its mouth and pulls the trigger.

Most ersatz products, like artificial leather, margarine, and synthetic sweeteners, are disgusting. There is something to be said, however, for astroturf lawns.

One Detroit homeowner who lets his lawn return to a state of nature was sued by irate neighbors. In court, he claimed to be a Druid and said that he was growing a sacred grove.

Revolution Yes!

THE IMAGE OF one unarmed student confronting, and stopping, a column of tanks will live forever with every revolutionary. With an example like that before us, there are no more excuses.

“Every time somebody gets a dollar he didn’t work for, it means somebody else worked for it and didn’t get it.”–Eugene Victor Debs

Future Traditional Folk Songs

THOUGH your thoughts be unfurled,
And ditto your chatter,
You can’t change the world
With mind over matter.
But the foe shall not trifle
With thought backed by rifle
They won’t dare deny
Die gedanken sind frei!

Oh, thinking is fine
but shooting is better
Let’s all toe the line
And all fire together
There’s no liberation
Without liquidation
Of those who deny
Die gedanken sind frei!

Watch this space for an update of “We are gentle, angry people.”

November-December 1989, ATC 23