Random Shots: Ringing in the 1990s

R.F. Kampfer

NINA USED TO grab other children’s food or toys and shriek “MINE! MINE! MINE!” in a voice that would shrivel slugs. We sent her to a Montessori school. Now when she grabs something she yells “SHARE!”

The Animal Liberation Front (Invertebrate) has struck another blow against the nuclear power industry. Several million fresh water mussels staged a sexual orgy in the cooling pond of the Cattenom Plant on the Moselle River in France, multiplying in such numbers as to force the shutdown of the reactor. Surely we human environmentalists would be eager to follow their example.

The editors regret to report that Kampfer has become insufferable after finally bringing home a deer from his 16th hunting trip. Next year he may take Nina along.

Golf is so expensive in Japan that some Japanese golfers find it cheaper to fly to Hawaii to play a few rounds.

C.C. Beck, creator of Captain Marvel, died recently. I always wanted to ask him why a street-wise kid like Billy Batson would let a weird-looking stranger lead him down an old abandoned subway tunnel.

Bumper Sticker of the Month: In case of Rapture, can I finish your pizza?

News from the Front

DURING THE RECENT attempted coup against Noriega in Panama, U.S. army officers at a nearby golf course continued their game, oblivious to the sound of mortar and machine-gun fire. Green Berets flee the San Salvador Sheraton, hiding behind journalists with white flags? Not even the late Barry Sadler could have made that sound heroic.

We are asked to believe that a clandestine arms shipment from Nicaragua to El Salvador would be conveniently provided with a set of incriminating documents and a uniformed crew. Had they survived the crash they no doubt would have marched down the main drag of San Salvador, singing Los Hijos de Sandino.

A Question for Our Times

WHAT MAKES the United States different from Hungary, Czechoslovakia and Poland?

Answer The United States has a Communist Party.

January-February 1990, ATC 24