Random Shots: Them Perrier Blues

R.F. Kampfer

YUPPIES SUFFERING from Perrier withdrawal can shake a little lighter fluid into their tap water.

Despite the U. S. invasion, Panamanian banks still refuse to take steps against laundering drug money. Bush has decided not to insist.

One would think that Poland had a greater right than France to participate in the German re-unification talks: the Polish People’s Army contributed twelve divisions to World War II while DeGaulle could only raise two.

Life-Style Notes

TRY SPRINKLING pork-rinds with a mixture of fresh lime juice and Tiger brand hot sauce.

For a truly decadent treat, try spreading cream cheese on chocolate chip cookies.

The average suburban house contains about 20,000 spiders. That’s not so bad, but how many insects does it take to support that many arachnids?

Pipes made of Brazilian rose-wood give a wonderful smoke, but if the wood isn’t properly cured it will kill you in a New York minute. Sort of the smoker’s version of a Japanese fugu dinner.

Why? Why not?

WHY DON’T THE Animal Rights people do something about the use of cat-skins for clothing in Europe?

Whatever inspired GM to call its new car the Impact? The very name conjures up the image of the car hitting a brick wall.

Epoch of Capitalist Decay

ACCORDING TO a Detroit News editorial against “socialized medicine:”

“Patients who don’t pay most of their surgery bill have no incentive to avoid surgery, with cataracts or any other condition.” Apparently the editors enjoy having scalpels poked into their eye-balls, just to break the monotony, and think everyone else feels the same.

The average rate of investment return for speculators in baseball cards is almost 40% per year, compared to 12.7% on the stock market. Of course, people who take a serious interest in baseball should be easier to swindle than Wall Street sharpies.

Coleman Young’s strategy for spending the rest of his life as mayor of Detroit seems to be to run the city so far down that nobody else will want his job.

Great Moments in History

AFTER READING the Bible, Mahatma Gandhi seriously considered becoming a Christian. After living with an actual Christian family in South Africa, he changed his mind.

In ancient China, the penalty for fighting was to fasten the combatants together by the neck with a large wooden collar for a few months, enabling them to get to know each other much better. Something of the sort should work equally well for quarrelsome siblings.

Anybody who thinks that pre-industrial societies have an idyllic life should try scraping and tanning just one deer-skin.

Favorite Movies

JOHN HUSTON’s great 1956 production of “Moby Dick” was on TV recently. The scenes of real whales being harpooned are a lot more horrifying than any fake slasher movie.

“Lair of the White Worm” contains the distinctive Ken Russel touches that set it apart from the average horror movie. The kilts and bagpipes are just barely plausible, but where did the mongoose and hand grenade come from?

“Tomorrow is another day,” said Scarlett Sure enough, the very next morning, along came Sherman s cavalry and burned Tars to the ground.

Geopolitics and Other Passions

WILL THE SAME standards be applied to the West Bank of the Jordan and the East Bank of the Oder?

One excuse for the invasion of Panama was suppression of the drug trade. Some of the troops have made use of the opportunity to bring home duffel-bags full of cocaine.

May-June 1990, ATC 26