Random Shots: Summertime Musings

R.F. Kampfer

MANY GM WORKERS are indignant over the proposal to double Roger Smith”s-pension to $1,100,000 per year. Why not give him the money on the condition that it can only be spent in Flint?

Despite the undemocratic maneuvers of the Bieber regime, most UAW members are still willing to work through the electoral process. Only a few believe that the time has come for armed insurrection.

Cars would be built a lot safer if accident insurance were included in the cost of the vehicle.

Art and Fashion Notes

THE LATEST wretched excess fad is 1000-year-old glacial ice. Cubes mined from Alaskan icebergs sell for $8 a kilo in Japan.

One good way to stay in shape is to invest in a pair of leather jeans in the waist size you’d like to stay.

Remember when only socialists wore red neckties? And then only when they had to appear in court.

Whether or riot gonzo typist Hunter Thompson is guilty of sex, drugs and explosives charges, his prose is definitely a felony.

The Good Old Days

THE QUASI-FASCIST Spartans were raised without any exposure to money or luxury. After they conquered Athens, during the Pelopponesian War, they rapidly became totally corrupt. Something similar happened to the Reagan conservatives when they occupied Washington.

Back when dueling was common, the elegant insult was treated as a conversational art: “Are you referring to me, sir?” It is highly unlikely, sir, that your name would arise in the course of a polite conversation between gentlemen.

From the Perestroika Front

THE TROUBLE with a one-party system is that there’s nobody else to blame when things go wrong.

Even though Earth Day has become hopelessly bourgie, we can still use the occasion to celebrate Lenin’s birthday.

Life Before Michael Jordan

REMEMBER WHEN, if a kid wore sneakers in the winter, it meant that the family was too poor to afford real shoes?

What’s the Difference…

BETWEEN (Greyhound chairman) Fred Currey and a terrorist?

ANSWER: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

BETWEEN …between Dan Quayle and Jane Fonda?

ANSWER: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.

Kampfer’s Kartoon Komer

FREE SUGGESTION for Gary Larson: Bubba, the red-neck reindeer.

The latest fad in children’s games, inspired by Teen-Age Mutant Ninja Turtles, is crawling around in the sewers, a diversion that ranks up there with van-surfing and elevator-hanging. If teenagers are really wilder than in the ‘50s, how come you never hear about playing “chicken” anymore?

July-August 1990, ATC 27