Random Shots: Of Politics, Religion & War

R.F. Kampfer

ALL THOSE FUNDAMENTALISTS who identified Iraq with Babylon and Desert Storm with Armageddon have some explaining to do.

The biggest fringe benefit to serving in the Gulf was that the Saudis didn’t allow any SPAM into the country.

Israeli Religious Affairs Minister Abner Shaki was called upon to decide whether it was permissible for the Orthodox to listen to the radio for missile alerts during the Sabbath. He ruled that they could turn it on prior to the start of shabbos and leave it at low volume. “If there is a real alarm you can turn up the volume, but in a non-conventional manner, with a stick or with your elbow.

A less soluble controversy surrounds the wave of immigrants to Israel from the Soviet Union. Many Russian Jewish boys were never circumcised, leading to rumors that some newcomers may be goyim with purchased exit visas. In any case, there is a decided reluctance to submit to the more serious operation necessary for grown men. Some consented to be circumcised in hospitals rather than by moyels; this however raised objections that some surgeons are—horrors!–Arabs. Don’t be looking for the Messiah to solve the problem anytime soon.

Patriots All

CORE CHAIRMAN ROY Innes, a supporter of the Gulf war (and long-time shill for Jonas Savimbi’s CIA-backed UNITA in Angola and other worthy causes), says that the contributions of African Americans to the victory will earn them the respect of the whole country. It’s the same promise made for every conflict since the Civil War.

The owner of Nevada’s Mustang Ranch offers a free visit to all Desert Storm veterans.

For Doonesbury fans, the biggest crisis of the war came when it looked like Gary Trudeau had killed off B.D.

Contrary to appearances, George Bush has no objection to the Iraqi Kurdish and Shia populations overthrowing Saddam Hussein—just as soon as Saddam finished paying for the war.
Desert Storm: the first U.S. war in which enlistments dropped sharply as soon as mobilization started.

No Stuff, Sherlock

IN AN EDITORIAL approving the ejection of UAW President Owen Bieber from Chrysler’s Board of Directors, the conservative Detroit News stated: ‘Unions and management have inherently conflicting interests that shouldn’t be mingled.

Now if only Bieber could figure that out!

Kampfer’s legislative agenda: Busting a few heads would do more to eliminate scabs than all the lobbying in the world.

Keeping It Together

ABRAHAM LINCOLN was once heard to say: “I hope that God is on my side, but I must have Kentucky.” That just about sums up Gorbachev’s attitude toward the Ukraine.

It is highly probable that the high command of the Red Army are blaming their inability to subdue the Baltic States on the Afghan Syndrome.

The people of Eastern Europe have become more hostile to capitalism in the past six months than they were under forty-five years of Stalinism.

May-June 1991, ATC 32