Random Shots: Some Thoughts to Live By

R.F. Kampfer

ONE REPUBLICAN enthusiast characterized the North American Free Trade Agreement as “the greatest source of jobs since World War II.” Always nice to look on the bright side.

If you want to know what the Republicans really mean by “family values,” check out the Godfather movies.

Haven’t the media been a lot softer on Pat Robertson, who sees demons lurking everywhere, than they were on Shirley McLaine?

If people could pick out their own relatives, how many would stick with the ones they have?

The victims of Hurricane Andrew can at least be very grateful that they got hit during an election campaign.

History Ancient and Modern

THE REAL REASON that the Egyptian Pharaohs used to marry their sisters was so that they wouldn’t have to find government jobs for a new set of in-laws.

Shaving was probably invented soon after archery. There can’t be many experiences more painful than catching your beard in a bowstring.

The cadres of the former Communist Party of the Soviet Union have split along lines of self-interest: Those who live in the poorer republics are for a centralized commonwealth, while residents of the richer ones have become nationalist separatists.

Being in the UAW today is like being an honest Communist during the Moscow Trials. We can be proud of our past, and try to have hope for the future, but there’s nothing good to be said about the present.

If the movie “American Dream” does nothing else, it should at least keep Lewie Anderson from worming his way into the union reform movement.

Imperialism was unfortunately not introduced to the Western Hemisphere by Christopher Columbus. The Aztecs were so brutal towards their weaker neighbors that most of them, at first, preferred Cortez to Montezuma. When the conquistadores seized Mexico City they had more indigenous than Spaniards in their army.

William Gaines, publisher of EC Comics and MAD magazine, died recently. In the “Haunt of Fear” tradition we can expect him to claw his way out of the grave some night to seek revenge on his old nemesis, the arch-censor Dr. Frederic Wertham. (Cf. Kampfer bio note below.)

Kids Are People, Barely

REINCARNATION IS a useful belief in raising children. The idea of coming back as a cockroach if they misbehave makes a definite impression on them.

If kids object to hand-me-down clothes, tell them it’s “recycling.”

College students are soft these days, stealing plastic milk cartons for their bookshelves instead of bricks as we did.

The trouble with having a baby at age 45 is having a teenager at 60.

Family Values Again

SOME FUNDAMENTALISTS claim that gays are not entitled to civil rights protection because they chose their condition. One could say the same about Christians.

In the old fairy tales the heroine always got to marry the prince. Fergie and Di must get a chuckle out of that.

Slogans You Don’t See Anymore

“AS RUSSIA IS today, so will China be tomorrow.” –Mao Zedong

“Never give up. Never! Never! Never!” –H. Ross Perot

November-December 1992, ATC 41