Random Shots: Confederate $ for the Contras

R.F. Kampfer

THE EVIDENCE is incontrovertible that athletics leads to hard drugs. Yet we allow them to distribute basketballs to innocent children right in the schoolyard.

The word on the line is that IE stands for Idiot Engineer.

In many stamping plants, the traditional way of becoming an inspector is by losing too many fingers to operate a press.

The height of proletarian ingenuity was shown during the Philadelphia transit strike of 1962. The bus drivers announced that they would keep their vehicles rolling, but refuse to collect any fares. The Enquirer hysterically called for passengers to scab by demanding to pay their quarters. The effectiveness of this appeal was never determined, since the city caved in before the deadline.

In an effort to recover sales lost to the boycott called by UFCW Local P-9, Hormel has announced that one recently produced can of Spam contains a valuable 18-carat man’s gold ring.

Cinematic Notes

THE INTERNATIONAL Monetary Fund, concerned with its reputation as a cabal of international loan-sharks organized to rip off developing nations, has launched an unprecedented publicity campaign to upgrade its image. The centerpiece of the promo will be a slick, 24-minute movie called The IMF at Work, starring IMF director Jacques de Larosiere. No doubt he will be backed up by Madonna doing her “Material Girl” video and Walt Disney’s Seven Dwarfs playing the Gnomes of Zurich.

It wasn’t listed in the credits, but the plot to the hit Summer Movie Vamp was largely lifted from the comic book story “Midnight Mess,” published in Tales from the Crypt #35, EC comics, April May 1953.

Ronald Reagan’s last movie, Hellcats of the Navy, was filmed on board a real submarine. Unfortunately, Reagan suffers from severe claustrophobia. Whenever he felt himself starting to twitch, he would rush over to the periscope to steady himself with a look at the world outside, whether the script called for it or not. A few weeks in a fall-out shelter might make him think twice about Star Wars.

Kampfer’s Kind of War

DURING THE Spanish Civil War, one correspondent told of visiting a sector held by the Abraham Lincoln Battalion. They had been in the trenches for months, and were ragged, filthy, lousy, exhausted and half-starved. The first thing they said was: “Did you bring anything to read?”

Thoughts on Terrorism

SHOOTING A POLITICIAN is terrorism. Bombing a whole city to intimidate him is self-defense.

Was it a coincidence that the Russians pulled all their ships out of Tripoli harbor two days before the U.S. bombers arrived? Did they simply forget to notify Khadafy that the planes were coming?

Since the CIA has been put in charge of the contras, its first project will undoubtedly be to prepare an excuse as to why the Sandinistas won the war.

There’s no telling how soon they might need it.

Anybody who expects the contras to win is probably still saving Confederate money.

“Mercenaries are either very capable men or not. If they are, you cannot rely upon them, for they will always aspire to their own greatness, either by oppressing you, their master, or by oppressing others against your intentions; but if the mercenaries are not able men, they will generally ruin you.”
–Nicolo Machiavelli Healthy Cannon fodder

AS ITS LATEST contribution to GI morale, the U.S. Army has forbidden smoking on almost all its property. In some future Hollywood movie we can expect to see a squad of infantry, besieged in a muddy trench, passing around their last carrot stick.

Emperor Dresses As Labor Leader

ONE OF THE highlights of the Las Vegas Teamster convention was a “Roman orgy” thrown by the East Coast district. Jackie Presser and New York Teamster president Joe Trerotola were brought in on ornate litters by hotel workers dressed as Roman soldiers. As an encore, Presser will play the violin while burning a copy of the Master Freight Agreement.

Confused Roles

LEN DEIGHTON once pointed out that an agent may have no idea who he is really working for, since his “control” will tell him whatever he wants to hear. Many a CIA operative has thought he was working for the KGB and vice­versa. It’s better to be like the professionals, and just do it for the money.

Reagan’s enthusiasm for taking out Khadafy diminished considerably when the Pentagon pointed out that the Libyan military, which would be expected to succeed him in power, is a lot closer to the Soviet Union than he is, and might even grant them a naval base in Tripoli.

The identifying symptom of Waldheimer’s Disease is forgetting that you were a Nazi.

Master Race Blues

THE NAZI Lebensborn project was an attempt to produce a master-race through scientific breeding. Participants were required to be dedicated Nazis in perfect physical health, who could prove pure Aryan ancestry back to 1750. The children produced by this program had an IQ level far below average, and 4½ times the usual percentage of mental disorders.

Censorship Doesn’t Pay

The headline for this column in ATC #3, “Mary Jane’s Magic Dust,” refers to the following item which was inadvertently dropped. (As usual, all the editors are blaming each other and the computer.)

Back in 1947 there was a comic book heroine named Mary Jane who, with her little mouse friend Sniffles, had all kind of adventures with the aid of a certain “magic dust.”

Twenty years later a whole generation got into drugs. Could this be a coincidence?

September-December 1986, ATC 4-5