Random Shots: Irangate Proves God Is Great

R.F. Kampfer

RICK AND ANDREW GREEN have written a brilliant lexicon on terms used to discuss the arms race. Some of their definitions, printed in the July 31 Toronto Globe and Mail, are listed below. [Don’t let this lead you to believe that just anyone can get space on my page.]

SALT Talks: Talks designed to save the world from the people at the talks. From the phrase, “pouring salt on open wounds.”

Tactical Nuclear Weapons: Small nuclear bombs that will not lead to total war. Not much comfort to the people they land on.

Strategic Nuclear Weapons: Large nuclear bombs that will lead to total war. Satisfying to those who were under the tactical ones.

Limited Nuclear Confrontation: A contingency whereby only 50 to 60 million innocent bystanders are obliterated before both sides take a breather and reload.

Dew Line: A series of radar stations that will give us 30 minutes’ warning in the event of a Soviet attack. Probably will be the most depressing half-hour of your life, but you can use the time to get even with everyone you hate.

Arms-Limitation Proposal: “We have all the bombs we need; how about you?”

Unilateral Test Ban: “All our bombs work fine; how about yours?”

Mutual Verification: A method of proving that the U.S. and the Soviet Union are not lying. About as easy as eating Jell-0 with a knife.

Life Under Reagan

LAST TIME THE stock market fell so hard, Roosevelt closed the banks. This time Reagan may try to deal with the situation by shutting down the newspapers.

Sylvester “Rambo” Stallone cancelled a trip to a European film festival because of fear of terrorism.

Reagan opposes the use of sanctions against South Africa because of the hardships it would impose on the Black population. He must have broken the PATCO strike to end the hardships being endured on the picket lines.

The makers of the Cabbage patch Kid hope to have a Rambo doll on the market by Easter. Wind it up and it wipes out your whole family.

lranScam

THE ADMINISTRATION is anxious to throw somebody to the wolves, but first they have to figure out who’s driving the sleigh.

Hasenfus means “rabbit’s foot,” which is highly appropriate.

Since Khomeini helped Reagan get elected in the first place, it’s highly fitting that he should be the one to bring him down.

The voters thought they needed a cowboy to deal with Iran, and sure enough, he did.

Be Politically Correct

DEAR MS. MANNERS,
My mother is coming next week for her first visit in three years and I’m in a panic at the thought of how she’ll react when she learns that I’ve been less than candid in my letters. She doesn’t know that I’ve lost my teaching job, and am under indictment for taking money from the Christmas Pageant Fund to buy Valium. My husband has run off to Ohio with a teen-age Moonie, taking all our savings and all my videotapes. My oldest son has been quarantined by the Health Department as an AIDS carrier. My other son is being sought by the FBI as a Croatian terrorist. My daughter has gone into public relations, and is doing a promotional campaign for the Democratic Party. Mom has had two heart attacks already, Ms. Manners.

How can I tell her about my daughter?

Gentle Reader,
Tell Mom that your daughter died.

For Yuppies’ Eyes Only

LATEST GIFT ITEM for the yuppy-puppy is a 3/4-size Rolex watch. Prices range from $1,175 for stainless-steel, to $12,000 for gold and diamonds. Pawn it, and you can run away from ·home; lose it, and you better run away from home.

Nina’s Song

[for Kampfer’s new daughter]
Tender shepherd, tender shepherd,
Let me help you cook your sheep.
One in a stew and one in a sandwich,
One in a casserole, nice and deep.

Tender shepherd, tender shepherd,
Cooking up a pot of sheep.
Use lots of garlic, throw in some onions,
After we stuff ourselves, fall asleep.

January-February 1987, ATC 7