Random Shots: Notes from a Smoker’s Diary

R.F. Kampfer

IN ORDER TO discourage teen-age smoking, the FDA has mandated that cigarette “mascots” be less appealing to young people. Joe Camel will be changed to Brad Broccoli. The Marlboro man will be a high school gym teacher instead of a cowboy. Virginia Slims ads will feature a scantily clad Margaret Thatcher.

The biggest shortcoming of the Labor Party platform is the total absence of a Smokers’ Rights plank.

Truth is Stranger than Kampfer

AN ITEM CENSORED by the editor from my previous column, on the usual grounds of grotesque bad taste, suggested that Disney would be selling Quasimodo back-packs. Well, now they really are.

The Doors’ Jim Morrison is being evicted from his grave in Paris’ Pere-Lachaise cemetery (where the Communards made their last stand). It is alleged that his main squeeze Pamela Courson held back most of the money that was collected to buy him a permanent plot, and just got a 35-year lease. The Lizard King has not been a popular tenant, since he attracted too many messy pilgrims. Whoever holds title to the remains could retire on the sale of relics.

If you want to impress your friends with your eco-sensitivity, decorate your kids’ next birthday party with organic balloons made in the traditional way, from inflated pig bladders. Totally bio-degradable.

The evacuation of the Macomb County Courthouse during a bomb scare was delayed when the managers of the parking garage insisted on making all drivers pay their parking fees before allowing them to remove their cars.

Final Election Jokes of `96

TOM CLANCY HAS been complaining about the quality of the political leadership in Washington all through his series of novels. Now that he’s had the hubris to make Jack Ryan the President, he’s going to have to show that he can do better.

A political convention without floor fights is like a stock car race without fiery crashes.

Dick Morris’ downfall is a classic example of what happens to men who let the little head rule the big head.

Not happy with the public response to his Reagan impersonation, Dole has decided to try doing Gerald Ford.

Bob Dole may claim that the pollsters have him pegged as a loser because of liberal bias, but he can’t say the same about the Las Vegas line, which lists him at 10-3 against.

Pat Paulsen does a great Bob Dole impression, but nobody has been able to stay awake all the way through it.

What do you call it when you have Clinton and Dole buried up to their necks in the sand? Not enough sand.

It’s getting to be a tradition to bomb Iraq prior to every election.

Parting Shot

CHRYSLER IS WORKING out an elaborate program to define and prevent sexual harassment, when all they really need to do is distribute cans of Mace to all the women.

ATC 65, November-December 1996