Random Shots: We Have Met the Enemy

R.F. Kampfer

AS GULF WAR II approaches, it’s well to remember that “No battle plan ever survives first contact with the enemy. That’s why they call them the enemy.”

The Bush regime is upset that a Canadian official described Dubya as a moron. Ashcroft is launching an investigation to determine who’s leaking classified information.

So Kissinger has been charged with uncovering the story behind 9-11. No doubt we will soon learn that Nixon did it.

Dubya’s War Against Terror reminds one of C.S. Forester’s description of a French regiment marching through guerilla territory in Spain: “Like a swimmer in the sea, no individual droplet of water could offer him any measurable resistance; but the water would close behind him as readily as he cleft it in front, and if he tried to swim too far the water would overpower him in the end.”

Kulturkampfer (Bad Taste)

THE TV REMAKE of “Carrie” suggests that the producers may be considering making it a series. “Carrie the Fundamentalist Christian Slayer”?

One James Bond parody features a criminal gang of Afro-Scottish origin, described, of course, as Macaroons.

Some parents are upset with the popular new Harry Potter broomstick, fearful of its battery-operated vibrating action as a new source of entertainment for girls who are outgrowing Barbie.

One of the best things about these TV reality shows is the betting action on who will be kicked off every week.

Better Taste

THE BEST THING about the new version of “Swept Away” is that it may motivate people to see the original. The best thing about the original is that it shows us (by omission) that one cannot be a Marxist without being a feminist as well.

Many supermarkets have candy-free checkout stations for parents of toddlers. How about chat-free internet service for parents of teenagers?

Napoleon III had a royal dinner service made from a rare new metal, more expensive than gold, aluminum. Of course, since anodizing hadn’t been invented, the food tasted terrible.

Home and Garden

ROGER EBERT SAYS that a La-Z-Boy recliner is the sign of a home where the man makes the decisions. Ms. Kampfer says this applies only if the chair is in the living room.

They talk about Spring Cleaning, but most homes get their strictest overhaul in the weeks prior to Thanksgiving, before the relatives arrive.

Possums are not what you call fussy eaters, but they never touch the zucchini in the garden.

Philosophy of the Powerful

HOW MANY ATROCITIES have been committed because the powerful are not courageous enough to simply admit that they oppress and exploit other races, nations and genders because they can get away with it? Their self-esteem requires that they regard their victims as evil, and therefore deserving of mistreatment.

ATC 102, January-February 2003