Ramdom Shots: Libs, Labs and Lawyers

R.F. Kampfer

BRIBERY IN TI-IE Pentagon, drugs in the White House, scandal in the Justice Department, and Will Rogers’ grandson blasting civilian airliners in the Persian Gulf. Has some mad hacker tapped into the AP wire? Do you really expect me to be able to top all this? Well, let’s do our best:

Why not just divide the Justice Department in half and flip a coin to see which half indicts the other?

Any government officials that are assigned to administer the Teamsters Union should feel right at home.

The same people busily explaining why they couldn’t tell the difference between a civilian airliner and an F-14 fighter bomber in seven minutes are certain that Star Wars will be able to pick a Russian nuclear warhead out of a flock of decoys in that many seconds.

Newspeak Before Orwell

“WHEN SOMEBODY agrees to something in principle, it means they have absolutely no intention of putting it into practice.” –Otto von Bismarck

“When the leaders speak of peace, the common folk know that war is coming. When the leaders curse war, the mobilization order is already written out.”–Bertoli Brecht\

Social Mores

A DEATH PENALTY for cocaine dealers would be about as effective as a death penalty for suicide. Whoever gets into the business is at far greater risk from competitors and from the product itself.

According to the Politically Correct

Detroit folk quartet, Finland Station, medical researchers are considering substituting lawyers for laboratory rats. Three reasons were given for the policy change: the size of the herd is detrimental to the environment; one doesn’t become emotionally attached to them; and there are some things that rats won’t do.

Reagan says that he’s interested in astrology, but doesn’t know enough about it to judge how valid it is. He doesn’t know much about anything else either, but that never stopped him before.

Political Silly Season

A SECRET CLAUSE in the INF treaty requires Gorbachev to send an expeditionary force of Russian paratroopers to support George Bush, if Dukakis or Jackson win the 1988 election.

Somebody once said: “The most important qualities for a politician are sincerity and dedication. If you can fake those, you’ve got it made.”

It’s true that the Reagan administration provided great opportunities for Blacks like Clarence Pendleton and women like Jeanne Kirkpatrick. That’s because there are so few of them willing to sell out so shamelessly.

Kampfer’s Military Balance

IT IS NOT true that the CP-USA often referred to the Abraham Lincoln Battalion as a brigade because they didn’t know the difference, or because they wanted to inflate their contribution towards the war. It’s just that “battalion” is harder to rhyme in a folk song. (For the benefit of the semi-literate, there are usually three battalions to a regiment, and three regiments in a brigade.)

The futility of gun control can be seen by looking at Ireland. The British have been trying, and failing, to keep weapons out of Irish hands for 700 years. This despite the fact that Ireland is an island and the British used to have the world’s largest navy.

September-October 1988, ATC 16